He called me crazy. Now, I couldn’t agree more.

I let myself tremble at the thought of him with someone else. Following eleven months (and counting) of devastating struggle and distance, I figured that my temporary insanity has been quite a sane response.

He called me crazy. Now, I couldn’t agree more.

Because fear is the heart of love, betrayal – even just the slightest thought of it – has been so threatening. Distance has been so consuming. Paranoia, absolutely life-altering.

Did he actively try to avoid speaking to me online? Did I just sense the nervousness from his voice as he scrambled for every possible excuse as to why he can’t provide me with the time I go beyond for to give? Am I not worth the sacrifice of a lifestyle he isn’t really supposed to be living in the first place? Does his friends really matter more?

It’s all wrong. I started to feel embarrassed for letting this one person get away with disrespecting me so fully. I got angry at myself for constantly letting it happen – that giving of so much of power to someone who won’t seem to take me seriously or see me worthy of his attention and understanding.

My willingness to put up with more than I normally would when I’m not emotionally invested and involved has been stunning. It seemed never-ending until I found myself unknowingly able to twist the game of perspective, transforming it from my worst enemy to my most favorable ally.

How did I actually do it? Well, I didn’t – I got exhausted. One time, for reals.

Imagine putting up with resentment day in and day out for eleven months. It took a toll on both my body and soul – so tough on my health and rough on my spirit. Anger, paranoia, betrayal, and resentment imprisoned me from real joy in every aspect of my life that I withdrew myself from what seems to have been killing me.

The withdrawal occurred in phases he would not have failed to notice (had he really been in love with me). When the final straw has been drawn, it hit me hard. It shook my world that I’ve grown stronger, strong enough that saw what a waste I have been!

My mistake or the rain’s, I thank the heavens for now I know. I only have one go-around.


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Heartbreak, Drama, and Lady Gaga

When I started this blog, I was like you and your boyfriend—excited. Hell, very enthusiastic and eager to keep it filled with awesomeness that screams and says, ‘hey, my life is amazing!’

But, hell no, it’s not. At least, not everyday. The past year has been particularly difficult. 2016 is the winner of ‘the greatest transition award’ of my life (so far) where I had to go through a whole new world where I have expected a hundred thousand dreams to see…all after eight years of pseudo-independence. To spill the beans and keep you kind of engaged (because, hey, I can be an attention whore sometimes, too – right?), the issue is that I left my Alladin behind. Don’t roll your eyes ‘coz this is another break-up story.
From 2008, I have lived away from my family. That was when I started college and thought I was too smart. Damn, I have been an idiot. I can either ignite you with rage or bore you to death with countless stories of my life-ruining escapadesthat no one the hell in my family found out about. Ever. Because I was a spy, just like that.

The thing is, I am part of the mob. I am mafia, badass. Bam!

Lie. Well, I guess my trend explains the name I picked for the site. I sugarcoat a lot and I would bet my ass you do, too – maybe not as much as I(?) See, I said sugarcoat when I actually meant I have been a liar – a very, very deceitful one. But, we all sugarcoat and this can be a ‘fun’ problem with people. And, like too much of all things fun, it turns to ‘bad’ and, the next thing you’ll feel is the ricochet that hit your bottom.

I mean, you might love it if you’re Goddamn gay, who knows? Okay, shut up, judgmental you – I love my gay friends and we joke a lot. I was serious, though.

Lie. For days, I have been trying to come up with a pseudonym. “Dear Sugar” or “Hey Honey” sort of thing to communicate as so you don’t figure out who the hell this crazy, ranting person is. I also imagined cute thumbnails of cats or penguins or piglets – you know, to go with my sugar or honey or bumblebee. But, why would I hide behind a cat when I can be annoying being me, and not an orange?

Life is not cotton candy. It’s difficult, a struggle, and a journey. For resilience and freedom of my soul’s sakes, I want to be out—transparent and honest for the first time in my life.

I have been enduring crap and I know I am yet to endure more crap. Chil, you will, too~ *winks*

Here’s a sample. I saw myself starting this project of a wonderful ’30 days of stories’ prompt I found two years ago. Must I say yay because I stopped at day two? Sure. Zero consistency, very unreliable, horrible work ethic, blablabla.

Lie. No way. For years, I punished and blamed my self for how things turn out and how life failed. To be how my (recent ex)boyfriend, my family, and the society have envisioned has been all that mattered. Then, it hit me like whiskey. After having had too much – as I hope it does for you as well – I understood that I buy my shit, and I pay for my choices after all!

I am not proud of shit, don’t get me wrong. But, it’s my shit. I did it and I have the option to watch it float and disgust myself or I could flush it down the drain and forget about it. I may even choose not to not look at it before I let it go because tomorrow I will shit again. With the right food choices, it must feel easier. Besides, I got better things to do.

Truth. Thus, I apologize to me and I forgive me.

2017 is the year where I should stop being hard on myself. It is my year of discovery and truthfulness. I invite you to journey with me, wherever and whoever you are, my faraway and lost soul sister in heartbreak, drama, and Lady Gaga (admit it).

Let’s get out and don who we are. Let us stain ‘em all haters with red lisptick like we just found out we’re the bosses of us. Without doing harm to anyone, but bringing joy to those we love. Without inflicting pain on ourselves, but fueling our very desires.

So long, old me! I am out. When will you be?

Day 2: Neighbors

Day 2 of telling your stories: neighbors.

Who were your neighbors? Kids your age? A huge dog? A mysterious Boo Radley type? Who lived down the hall from you in your dorm? Who lives across the street now? What friends have you and your kids made at the bus stop?

The funniest thing crossed my mind the moment I thought of ‘neighbors’: the subdivision I spent my growing up years in is a small, close-knit community in the city with only approx. 300 families who almost knew everyone else in the neighborhood. What came to mind was that, in that same community of 300 families, I’ve been linked to four different boys at different stages of my development (the “crush” phase, the first “true” puppy love, rebound guy, and the “friend into lover” drama stage).

In more liberated cultures, being linked to four different guys, as long as at different stages, in a single neighborhood is perfectly fine. Even if more Filipinos are more open-minded these days, there still are a number who are disturbed by it. So, the streets in our subdivision were currencies and we used to live in Franc Street for a little more than a decade before we moved to Pound Street where we still are now for five years (and counting).

So, my first crush happened when I was in the fourth grade. We were in Franc Street (our house then was in the corner lot – Yen St.) and we had a food cart selling fish balls (a common Filipino street food) in front of our gate. Each afternoon, my crush (who was from Dinar Street) would pass by along with his friends after their afternoon basketball game. He was about four years older than I was – and, for someone in the fourth grade, a four-year gap is huge enough for us to never ever get the chance to interact. I mean, I barely had boobs and he’s got some cute facial hair. I got past him, of course.

When I was in junior high school (2005), I started my first longest relationship (which lasted 23 months). The guy was from Pound Street and he was the funniest I ever hanged out with. I’ve seen him around the neighborhood a couple of times before us being introduced and him wanting to be with me (we had cute moments I used to think are cute for everyone but am now embarrassed to tell about lol). He transferred to my high school (which was an 8-minute walk from my house) and we walked to class each morning together, had recess together, spent our lunch breaks together, and our field trips like dates. Basically, he stole half of my high school social life, but I’m grateful he did. We broke up before college and, to date, we’re very good friends.

I went to my first two-three years in college without getting serious with relationships. It was in college that I had a shift in neighbors (because I had to live alone – a two-hour drive from home) but also found myself getting linked to someone from my family’s subdivision later on. He was my first rebound guy and he was, like my former crush, from Dinar Street. Funny they’re friends and the same age. Disclaimer: I didn’t intend to rebound on him (details when I’m ready).

After our family moved to a slightly larger house in Pound Street, we’ve been positioned right across one of my closest guy friend’s house. He was one of the nicest and, I swear, a boyfriend material who confessed his, you know, L word. We didn’t work out – he’s nothing more than a brother figure to be around with. Besides, he’s a little too good for me.

The thing is, there are more neighbors I have had significant experiences with and funny moments to tell of, but I am using this day’s prompt to show how neighbors can help affect aspects of our lives more than we’ll ever realize. Neighborhoods are environments, and environments are very important especially in developing years. And the most dramatic transitions and pains one will ever have to go through as he/she grows is in romance. I see this blog and my 30 days of stories as an avenue to introduce myself and my past to my future children and younger relatives – at what age the children will be when I plan on showing them, I still haven’t identified…